It’s Tuesday, which means it’s time for the anonymous mailbag to arrive and rescue you from your work and school doldrums.
As always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to email@example.com, anonymity guaranteed.
Okay, here we go:
“I’ve been married for 14 years and we have three boys. We’re both almost 40. For the past year or so my sex drive has decreased significantly. It was making my wife suspicious so she started digging through my phone.
I have never cheated on her in any way and didn’t know she’d been searching my phone.
She felt bad so she ended up telling me about it. She confessed she looked through my internet history and thinks that FFM or MMF means that I am gay. This has turned into a huge deal because I cannot get over it. It’s been a few months now and I just can’t seem to move past it. What do I need to do?”
I mean, are you gay or bi-curious? If you are, that’s perfectly fine, but it sounds like you might be in desperate denial of that fact.
Because normally when someone accuses you of something you know isn’t true, you get over it pretty quickly.
For instance, if my wife accuses me of something horrible — like being an Alabama football fan — I don’t lose sleep over whether I’m an Alabama football fan or not. I know I’m not one so I move on and forget about her accusation pretty quickly.
But if you’re trying to hide something and someone accuses you of hiding something, it’s more likely to sting you and linger in your mind.
If it’s truly been a few months and you can’t move past it, that’s an issue for you, not for her. Maybe, possibly, there’s some level of truth in what she alleged and you’re upset by the fact that she spoke it aloud.
As for the discovery of pornographic links in your phone, big deal, just about every man under 50 looks at porn occasionally (or often) on his phone. The fact that you like two women and one man sex videos is pretty strong evidence that you’re not gay. There’s also nothing wrong with liking two men and one woman sex videos either and they certainly don’t provide strong evidence that you’re gay. (Hell, there’s nothing wrong with liking any porn video that features consenting adults. Like what you like and don’t worry about it.)
It sounds like your wife is not that familiar with porn, which isn’t uncommon either since the vast majority of porn consumption is by men. And that in addition to being afraid you might be having an affair because your sex life has declined, she also fears that you might not be attracted to her. And might, worry of all wife worries, be attracted to men instead of women and HAVE A SECRET LIFE YOU’RE KEEPING FROM HER.
Let’s pause her for a moment and consider an interesting fact: women are obsessed with the idea that the men they love are deceitful liars with secret lives.
Virtually every movie that airs on channels like Lifetime are obsessed with this idea — that the men you love are lying and trying to kill you.
Yet these kinds of movies aren’t remotely popular for men.
That is, men don’t watch movies about women being crazy and scheming to kill them.
Men, if anything, want women to be more like us. Think about it, what’s the essential fantasy that’s being sold to men via porn when you strip all the particular sex acts away? That women are as sex-crazed as men are. Men want women to like what we like, to have our same appetites, particularly when it comes to sex.
Women believe, on the other hand, that men are all liars and selling them an artificial bill of goods. The heroes of their stories are the women who catch the men living their secret lives and manage to avoid being murdered.
Men, by and large, watch other men on television and aspire to be as good as the other men are at what they do.
Sports, when stripped down to its essence, is an opportunity for men to watch men who are typically bigger, stronger and faster than we are dominate their opponents. Men’s television, essentially, is about aspiration. We look up to the people we watch on television and wish we were more like them.
Women, on the other hand, watch other women on television, mostly, to prove that the women on the show are crazier than they are. I swear to god, every show my wife watches features women behaving awfully. The entire subtext of the “Real Housewives” shows is, “See, you aren’t crazy after all! These women are crazy! You’re normal!”
And women eat it up like mad.
Because secretly every woman thinks she might be crazy and these shows help alleviate those concerns.
American women, despite the fact that they are pretty much the safest people in world history, also love the idea that they are in perpetual danger. So they consume husbands/boyfriends behaving badly stories all the time.
I suspect this is because there’s a deep-seated psychological and biological attraction to men as the dominant sex and provider, but also a fear of the violence that we can perpetrate against them and a simultaneous distrust of our physical power.
Women also believe that they don’t really know the men in their lives too and I think this translates into their behavior in relationships.
Now that I’ve given you a lesson in sexual biology, as I see it, anyway, let’s circle back to the root cause of all these issues: why do you think your sex drive has suddenly declined?
Maybe you’re just aging and you are less interested in sex, but, let’s be honest, you aren’t that old yet.
After 14 years of marriage are you just bored by sex with your wife and looking for excitement elsewhere, even if it’s from porn videos?
If so, why not suggest some changes in your sex life. For instance, if you like watching porn by yourself is it possible you could like watching it with your wife too?
I’d suggest trying that out to see if it spices up your sex life.
At the very least you’ll be having a conversation about something that you think is bothering your wife — the lack of intimacy between you.
“So last night I start having a sex dream about me, my wife, and my kid’s friend’s mom (currently divorced).
This dream is extremely lucid, probably the most realistic sex dream I’ve had since my balls dropped in 4th grade. And it is hot. I mean everyone is just getting it on, dildos are making an appearance, I’m somehow able to navigate the sexual needs of both women with brilliant precision as if I’m Aldous Snow. Fucking amazing all around.
I’m prone to sleepwalking, and apparently I start getting handsy with my wife. Usually she just swats me away, but for some reason she decides to roll with it tonight. So now my dream and real life begin to merge, and at some point I snap out of my dream and realize we’re gearing up for a good time. I’m so charged up from the dream, it’s not until 45 minutes, with a lot of panting, and covered in sweat later that we finally conclude. I’m talking almost animalistic level sex here.
She’s so taken aback by the end she comments she just may need a vagina transplant after what just transpired. Hell Clay if she doesn’t have triplets after this evenings festivities, I’m not sure what to think. She asks what prompted such a reaction, and of course as any married man with a decade of experience under his belt would know, I lie and make up some BS story about Kylie Jenner or Katie Hill, or something.
This isn’t even the best part though! Fast forward to this morning, I’m dropping off the kids at school, and I run into the mom from the sex dream. I haven’t seen this woman in over a month, and haven’t talked to her beyond exchanging pleasantries in over 4 months, when I was at her kid’s birthday party. That conversation was benign. Just adults shooting the shit.
This morning, she not only wants to talk, she starts flirting with me! I mean making a point to touch me, laughing at my horrible jokes, dropped obvious sexual innuendo. I couldn’t fucking believe it.
This has me thinking. This has to prove we live in a simulation right? I mean there’s just no other explanation for me having one of the most realistic dreams I’ve had in quite some time, have an awesome night of sex, and then get hit on by the other woman in my sex dream. This has to be the simulation programmer fucking with me right? There’s just no other explanation in my mind how all these things transpired within 8 hours.”
I think it’s more likely you projected confidence in her presence because in your dream you just put in an Olympic gold medal record banging performance.
Whether you intended it or not, your confidence was palpable to this woman.
The single most important trait for men, when it comes to attracting women, is confidence.
Obviously other factors matter as well: wealth, looks, height, weight, but the most important is confidence.
So I think that’s probably at play here.
It’s also possible you yelled out this other woman’s name in your dreams and your wife played dumb about what inspired you.
But that your wife also has sexual fantasies about the divorced woman and the reason you both had such hot sex was thanks to her.
And that as a result as soon as she sent the kids to school she texted the divorced mom that the two of you had incredibly hot sex thanks to her and she’s planting the seed for a real threesome.
Or maybe your wife and this divorced mom are already having a lesbian affair and now they are going to let you in on their secret and…by the way, see what I mean, it’s like a porn script!
Every guy reading this right now is thinking, “Man, that would be so hot!”
Easiest way to tell the difference between the sexes: if a married woman has an affair with her hot friend, most guys would think it was hot, even if they were also upset. (Even if a guy was upset about it, he’d definitely tearfully masturbate to it at some point in the future.) If a married guy has an affair with his hot guy friend, most women would want to murder him and none of them would think it was hot.
Anyway, good luck with your threesome.
“Clay, what is your rule of thumb for when it is acceptable to start decorating for Christmas? It’s a classic debate between men and their wives every year around this time. Women tend to think once Halloween is over it’s fine, men lean closer to around Thanksgiving. How does it work in the Outkick Mansion with your wife?”
I think the sooner men recognize that they have no control over the interior of their house, the happier they’ll be.
I have no control over anything decoration wise in my house, whatever my wife wants to do, she does. That goes for couches, rugs, Christmas trees, you name it.
I legitimately have nothing to do with it.
Maybe I’m rare in this, but I’m either all in on something or I don’t care about it at all. I do very few things halfway.
My wife handles everything in our house.
Having said that, I am aware that we don’t generally put up Christmas decorations in our house until after Thanksgiving.
(We actually have more Halloween decorations than Christmas decorations because my wife throws a Halloween party every year and those start going up the first week in October as well.)
“We’re having a debate in our work group. In a public restroom do you use the seat cover or just wipe anything off the seat with paper and go bare legged on the seat. Also, why would women ever need one. If they sat on the seat every time no woman would ever pee on the seat. I say don’t be a pussy and wipe it off and sit down.”
I just wipe off the seat and sit down.
I think the seat covers are more trouble than they’re worth and what are you really protecting yourself with via that tiny paper cover anyway? Aren’t you just as likely to get germs on your hands putting down that seat cover than you are just sitting your ass down on the seat after wiping it off?
The most controversial bathroom move I make, by the way, is I don’t always wash my hands after peeing.
For instance, I often take a shower at my house, drive to the airport, and stop to pee before I get on an airplane. I feel like I’m more likely to get germs washing my hands in the airport bathroom than I am just walking out.
After all, I just got out of the shower and no one has touched my dick since then.
My dick is cleaner than everyone else’s hands are in the bathroom.
So if I have to choose between touching my dick or touching the place that everyone else’s hands have touched, I’m going with my dick as the cleaner option.
(Okay, calm down, I’m not a total savage. I always use those clean hands dispensers everywhere. Every time I walk past one I put my hands underneath it. I’m actually disappointed when they are empty too.)
“I am currently a college senior about to graduate. I’ve flirted with going to law school because it intrigues me but some people are pushing me to just start working since my job prospects with my undergrad degree are good. In your opinion, does the opportunity cost of going to law school and getting a law degree outweigh taking on massive student loans and losing 3-4 years of working right out of college?
In general, how would you apply this to any graduate program? Do you feel they are worth it/helpful in the long run? Need to figure if I should DBAP and go the law school route or SBAP and join the work force and sell my soul for money.”
This is a tough question because the answer is not the same for every person.
It’s all about probabilities.
Generally speaking obtaining a law degree offers better career prospects and earnings potential than simply going into the workforce straight out of college. But it doesn’t work that way for every person. For instance, some people graduate from law school, hate practicing law, struggle to repay their law school loans and regret they ever went to law school in the first place.
Those people would have been better off going straight to the work force after college and never obtaining an advanced degree.
So it’s impossible to give perfect advice here because there are so many people involved that every person doesn’t have the same result.
In general, law school is a good investment. But that doesn’t mean it will be a good investment for you in particular.
The key to success, so far as I have found it, is to find something you like and work more hours at mastering it than most people are willing to do. If you do this then eventually you will be successful with your chosen profession and it’s less likely you’ll burn out because you’ll enjoy the work.
Having said that, if you want to make significant money, as seems to be your goal, you also need to find something you enjoy doing that, and this is significant, offers a pathway to decent compensation. You can be a great public school teacher, work your ass off at it, and never make significant money doing it.
If money is your goal then law school is almost certainly a better decision than taking a teaching job right out of college. Yes, you’ll make three years of income as a teacher while the other person is in law school, but the income growth will dwarf that initial gain down the line.
So a big part of your decision is comparing law school with the type of job you’d take. Don’t look at what your starting salary is, look at what you could make in ten or twenty years at that job. Then compare that to what you’d make as an average lawyer.
Leaving aside the pure dollars at play, I don’t practice law now, but I think going to law school was invaluable for the success I’ve had because law school made me a better, deeper thinker. Law school also made me some of the best friends of my life, including, most importantly, introducing me to my wife.
I do honestly believe that Vanderbilt Law School was probably the best investment of both time and money I could have made between the ages of 22 to 25.
I can’t say that’s true for everyone, but it’s certainly true for me.
Good luck with your decision.
Several of you have been requesting updates from anonymous mailbag questioners. Back in September a reader wrote in that he lived with his girlfriend and she wouldn’t sleep with him.
Many of us were will filled with questions about how that could have happened.
This week he shares an update:
“To answer some of the questions, we have more or less done everything but intercourse. Things started slowly, not surprisingly, but she has been willing to do most foreplay type stuff for awhile. She draws the line at sex.
We finally had a real talk about everything one night. I told her I understand her feelings and don’t want to force her into anything she doesn’t want to do, but that I need and want more out of the relationship. She said she understands but just isn’t ready and a few things go into it. Us living together has taken some adjusting to, so that has gotten in the way a few times.
The biggest things were she said her parents never complimented her or “told her she was beautiful” when she was growing up. This has given her self confidence issues when dealing with men. And she admitted that because she hasn’t had sex, she keeps thinking about it and giving it more weight than she should. This just makes her worry about sex even more.
I don’t know that I am really in any better place after talking with her. I made myself clear, but still won’t force her into anything. So, everything is still in her court though.”
If a grown woman has self-confidence issues because her parents never complimented her or told her she was beautiful then I think you should run in the other direction.
But I appreciate you updating us on how things are going.
If you are an anonymous mailbag reader and you want to update us on the results in your life after the advice I give, feel free to email us, all will continue to remain anonymous, but please include a link to the original question I answered in your email.
I’d like to start featuring some of these stories as well.
Thanks for reading the anonymous mailbag and, as always, send your anonymous mailbag questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, anonymity guaranteed.