Merry Christmas Eve! (Or happy holidays or whatever if you’re a communist and you hate Santa Claus).
I’m working pretty much every day the next two weeks so if you’re at home and haven’t checked out our FS1 “Lock It In” gambling show we’ll be live at 4:30 et today and Thursday and Friday of this week. Come hang out with us if you need to escape your families, as I know many of you do.
With that said, let’s dive into the mailbag.
As always you can send your anonymous mailbag questions, anonymity guaranteed, to firstname.lastname@example.org
Okay, here we go:
“So I’m 22 years old and I’m currently a senior at a Big Ten school. I met this a girl almost a month ago at the strip of college bars we have here. I meet this girl and she is out of my league by a mile. But I’m not afraid to spit some game and make a fool of myself. Unexpectedly it goes really well and she’s tossing it right back. The best part is she’s not even drinking as she was DD’ing for her friends (which is great because as long as I was talking to her It would’ve cost me a fortune in drinks for the both of us). My friends that I am with are waiting on me to go to the most popular bar which is a club next door. I tell them “I got to see about a girl,” and to leave me here, which I intentionally say loud enough so she would hear (I catch her smiling in the corner of my eye).
We end up exchanging information at the end of the night as she leaves to take her friends back. We talk quite often and have hung out a few times since.
The other night she texted me drunk and said she really enjoys spending time with me and wishes we could hang more. Me preparing for finals texts her back that if she really meant that she would text me the same thing sober. The next morning she texted me back confirming what she said last night. This totally throws me off guard because she is hot and I’d I’m pretty average borderline ugly which is why I’m hesitant to actually pursue her (I would rate her as an 8 – 9 on the 10 point scale and 5 – 6 for myself). Also makes me wonder “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL?”
I know a lot of people around campus and a few of my friends (boys and girls) know her at least a little bit. Of course I tap into my resources and get the scouting report on her. She totally checks out as a normally cool smart girl. I find out that she is in the same sorority as my ex. I contact her for the first time in three years and ask her about this girl, she even vouches for her charm and says she’s the smartest girl in their sorority which is known as the most prestigious one on campus. Most girls that are as hot as her on campus are totally full of themselves and flat out dumb, but she is just so not that.
I tend to pride myself over my ability to read people but I cannot get a read on this girl. Maybe I am reading her wrong and she just wants to be friends??? I joke with my friends that it’s my 6 sense and they actually often come to me for advice. I would come out and say that I am definitely the “alpha” in my friend group so of course I’m not going to ask them for any advice on this topic as I feel they would lose respect for me. For the first time in my life I am totally dumbfounded about what to do about this girl. The only thing I got going for me is that I’m somewhat witty and charismatic. I don’t come from a wealthy family, I’m getting a liberal arts (worthless) undergraduate degree, and I’m not very tall. She’s actually the same height as me which means she’ll be towering over me if she flaunts the heels on her Instagram when she’s with me. I know how much girls salivate over having a man that is taller than them on heels. I feel like I know where I stand in society and I have always preached the “staying in your lane” philosophy. Of course my biggest fear is putting everything I have into this girl and having it not work out.
My questions to you are: Should I find a way out of talking to her because she scares me and I’ve never really felt that before about a girl? Should I tell her my fears about pursing her? Or just DBAP, put my chips to the center of the table exposing myself and tell her I like her and ask her out?”
First, if you are “definitely the alpha in your friend group,” this is the largest group of betas the world has ever known.
Because your entire email to me reads like a guy whose dick doesn’t work.
Seriously, re-read this email and ask yourself if this sounds like the email a guy whose dick works would send.
Second, YES, ASK HER OUT!
I don’t know how much more obvious she can make it that she wants you to ask her out. I slapped my own self in the head when you told her to re-send a text saying she wants to hang out with you when she’s sober the next day. Are you an idiot? People are more truthful when they are drunk, not less truthful.
She likes you and couldn’t have been any more clear about it.
I don’t know why she likes you.
But she likes you.
Instead of worrying about the reasons why she might not like you, ask her out and enjoy the fact that she likes you. (And that she sounds like she’s pretty awesome. The fact that you did research on her because you were convinced she must suck if she liked you is also, by the way, not a good sign.)
Plus, what’s the worst thing that can happen here? She eventually doesn’t like you.
So what, you’re in college? You’ll always be able to find another girl.
In the meantime, ask this girl out NOW before she comes to her senses and realizes what a loser you are.
“In the last few months my boyfriend of nearly four years proposed. I said yes. The proposal was fairly traditional – he got down on one knee, the whole nine…. but the time following the proposal has been anything but… it’s been overwhelming to say the least.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that no relationship is perfect. But I’ve been concerned if this is really the right match for forever…
My fiancé and I have a mostly positive relationship and it checks a lot of the boxes for a healthy, happy, and loving partnership. Except for communication and well, sex.
Our communication has come a long way since the start of our relationship. But we’ve developed some mighty unhealthy arguing patterns. It leads us to arguments that escalate, result in screaming at each other and sometimes storming into another room without resolve. It leaves us both frustrated and unsatisfied. Earlier in our relationship we developed a list of criteria to fight fair together…but we’ve both disregarded it since. As a result, our fights have continued to be real intense. I’ve been asking for couples therapy and he’s reluctantly agreed. For me, communication is the root of all things so if we figure that piece out, I know it will help. Plus, it can only help us to establish healthy habits for a future together.
The other thing…the sex is confusing for me. I’m in my 30s, fairly attractive (I’d give myself an 8: looks, body and personality wise), I have my shit together and even have a high sex drive. I really love sex, but not just for the emotional piece like most gals…I like the physical. The challenge with this is It seems my fiancé isn’t on the same page: I typically initiate sex and seem more into it than my fiancé (who’s also in his early 30s). He mostly just lets me initiate and also has me take the lead in all areas (aka a LOT of cowgirl), while he basically just lays there. In some ways that’s a mood killer because I feel like he isn’t into the act, or in to me.
When I’ve brought this up to him, he says that he’s tired the time of day (morning or at night) when I initiate. This is a really strange response to me. I haven’t been with a guy who has been too tired for sex before. I also haven’t been with a guy who seemingly isn’t interested in sex as it’s happening… so I just don’t know what the hell is going on.
Since you are married, I thought you could lend some sage advice on these potential pre-wedding jitters and help clear up my confusion with the sex? What am I missing? What advice do you have for me in this scenario? What would you tell my fiancé?”
The first, and most important, question to ask in any relationship is this one: are you happier now than you were before you met this person?
If the answer is no, you should break up immediately.
The only reason to date — or marry someone — is because they make you happier.
I can’t answer that question for you or for anyone else.
But you have to be honest with yourself and answer that question before anything else. (By the way, being sad if you break up isn’t being happy. In other words, defining how you’d feel if the relationship ends as your default happiness is backwards. Most people are sad when they break up. The question you have to answer is whether you’re happier now than you were before you ever met the person. There are obvious outliers here too. You can’t blame the person you’re in a relationship with, for instance, if your mom or dad dies or you lose a job. I’m talking about the person making you happier with the things he or she can control, the relationship itself.)
If you aren’t happier now than before you met that person — and are you are now engaged — it is unlikely you will suddenly become happier once you get married. Marriage isn’t a magic elixir, it doesn’t suddenly cure whatever ailed your relationship before the marriage. (Kids aren’t a magic potion either. If you think kids are going to fix an unhappy marriage this is like lighting your house on fire because it’s cold inside. Kids don’t fix struggling marriages, they make them worse.)
On to the sex question, sit down with your fiance and ask him about it. Tell him how many times you’d like to have sex in an ideal week. (I don’t know what that number is. Maybe it’s every day, maybe it’s once a week.) Then ask him what his ideal number is.
Clearly, the two of you have different numbers.
It seems to me that’s fairly common in relationships.
So what you have to do is try to meet in the middle. (There are lots of married men laughing right now, by the way. Because many married men would have sex seven days a week if they could. Conversely, their wives might want to have sex, at most, twice a week. So they compromise and have sex as often as the wife wants to have sex).
In your relationship it sounds like you have the higher sex drive.
But how much higher is it?
That’s at least a starting point.
I think it’s easier in relationships, honestly, where the woman has the higher sex drive, rare as they may be, because most men don’t turn down sex. But maybe there are things you aren’t doing that he finds sexy and he’s afraid to discuss with you. (I have no idea what those might be, but I think having a frank, honest discussion about this is the only way it gets resolved.)
But the sex answer is far less important than the first question, are you happy or not? Most of the time sex is a symptom of relationship problems, not the root cause of it.
“It seems like most people enjoy receiving cash / gift cards more than physical gifts, yet there seems to be a negative stigma around giving cash / gift cards due to perhaps a perceived lack of effort. People would rather put thought into something you don’t want or need rather than feel lazy. Thoughts?”
I think this is true, but I’m still a big cash guy.
Just give people cash and let them buy whatever they want.
I hate gift cards because I lose them or forget I got them and then feel bad about not using them. (This is common, by the way. It’s why gift cards are so popular for retailers. Because a significant portion of them never get redeemed.)
Cash, on the other hand, never gets lost. (Or at least it doesn’t get lost to the same degree).
I’m kind of a Scrooge in general when it comes to Christmas because I’m not much of a shopper and I really don’t need anything. (If I need anything, I buy it at Costco or Amazon, which is where I spend 99% of my disposable cash).
Plus, my wife buys all our gifts for people so I never have any idea what’s inside the presents either.
So I’m not a big Christmas present guy.
I like the family time and the movies and the kids waking up early because Santa Claus came, but the actual gift giving is not really my thing.
Merry Christmas — or happy holidays if you’re a communist who hates Santa Claus — and thanks for reading Outkick.