It’s Tuesday, time for a bleary-eyed anonymous mailbag.
Seriously, that title game went on so late last night coupled with my early morning radio show that I can barely tell which way is up right now.
But we continue to roll on regardless.
As always you can send your anonymous mailbag questions to firstname.lastname@example.org
Here we go:
“I’m in my mid-30s and have been married for 12 years to the love of my life. We have a great marriage and a good sex life. The sex life was wild and crazy and then the kids came and it died down like normal for that phase of life. We still have good sex, but it’s usually 3 to 5 times a month. It’s not rare for us to go 3 weeks in between. We run around all day at work and then have 2 kids in 2 different activities and live away from all our family, so no grandparent help.
No big deal; life is good, kids are great, wife is hot, I’m happy.
Here’s the rub…a few months ago during the end of the AFC championship game, the kids were asleep and we were a few beers deep. I’m on the edge of my seat watching the final 5 minutes of the 4th quarter and my wife appears wearing nothing but a g-string and a sexy bra and asks if I’m coming to bed. I head to the bedroom and have fantastic, toys involved, dirty sex. It was great. But I missed Brady’s dramatics and the OT win. I was a little disappointed when I saw that I had missed that.
I began thinking about the opportunity costs of having sex during sporting events or other things I like. I began to think back and noticed my wife does this a lot. She will use sex to lure me away from the TV during big sports events. I think its a subconscious, or even conscious, power trip she likes. And that’s always the dirtiest and freakiest sex we have.
Anyways, with about 2 minutes left in regulation of the NCAA Basketball championship last night, she comes into the room in nothing but a towel, drops it, and tells me to come to bed. I declined and watched the end of regulation and OT of the game. She was PISSED! This is only the 4th or 5th time in 12 years that I’ve ever turned her down. My thoughts were that I really want to watch this game that comes once a year instead of going to have 20 minutes (if I’m on my A game) of great sex. I’d have to wait another year for the game, but I’ll have sex with my wife again relatively soon. Did I just make a big mistake or have I discovered a secret and ended the reign of her pelvic sorcery over me?”
Your wife is testing you to see if you like sports or her more.
Last night, you picked sports, which confirmed her worst fears.
See, I think she’s jealous of the amount of attention you give these big games and she wants to prove to herself that you are still more interested in her than sports.
But now she’s not so sure.
This, by the way, is a total power trip by your wife designed to demonstrate her superiority over you and, get this, it doesn’t work in the opposite direction at all and if you did it to her you’d be an asshole.
What would her reaction be if she was watching “The Real Housewives” or whatever show she loves, the kids were asleep, and you walked in and sexily dropped a towel and propositioned her? She’d probably tell you to go away that she was watching her favorite TV show.
And that show isn’t even live!
She can watch it whenever she likes and not miss anything at all.
Your wife tried to use her #hotgirlprivilege and you just totally rejected it like Dikembe Mutombo back in the day. You might as well have done the finger wag when you went back to the NCAA Tourney game.
I don’t blame you for wanting to watch the end of the game, but I bet your wife makes your life miserable for a week or so.
At least it was a good game.
“So a group of my fraternity brothers get together every year to watch the masters. It consists of 7-9 guys all pushing 40 in the next few months.
Normally it is golf, good meals, good drinks and watching The Masters. This year 4 of the guys want everyone to go have manicures and pedicures together. I’m fine with going with a wife to get these but something about nine 40 year old dudes soaking their feet together seems wrong. Am I crazy?”
Confession: I have never had a manicure or a pedicure or a massage. (Not the real kind of a massage or the Robert Kraft kind of a massage either).
And I still get my hair cut for $10 at a chain barber and buy like 90% of my wardrobe at Costco.
So I’m clearly not the expert when it comes to male grooming or male fashion.
But this sounds absolutely awful to me and it can’t be common for men of our ages, can it?
There can’t be tons of dudes going to get manicures and pedicures together, right? I refuse to believe this is happening all over America. Especially not with men from my generation. It’s not like you’re a bunch of millennial beta cucks locking arms outside male and female separated bathrooms because you’re horribly offended by the concept of penises and vaginas determining sex for most of us.
Worst of all, if you guys are all nearly forty that probably means most of you are married with youngish kids which means you get to spend limited amounts of time together.
So that means you’re choosing to spend your incredibly limited leisure time with other men getting manicures and pedicures. And I’m gonna be honest, I can’t think of anything I would least rather do with a group of dudes for fun than go get a manicure and pedicure together.
Seriously — and there’s nothing wrong with this at all — but are you all gay? (Honestly, do groups of gay men even do this, I have no idea. But I’ve never heard of groups of heterosexual men doing this).
Are you all being punked as part of an elaborate new hidden camera show?
I think you fight back against this idea.
Or you just admit that your penis doesn’t work any more.
There are no other options.
“A while back, a new girl got hired at work. However she works in a different department and so the opportunities to meet her are limited despite exchanging eye contact a few times. As you can probably assume, every male coworker knows who she is, tries to flirt, etc to the point where it becomes painfully obvious. (I assume every hot girl not only knows that they are hot but also knows when guys try to hit on them right?).
However, I’m generally interested in getting to know her. So what’s my play here to come off as genuine as to separate myself from in the influx of male suitors?”
“However, I’m generally interested in getting to know her.”
This line is total bullshit. Show some respect and remember who you’re talking to here.
You just realize this pursuit angle — “I’m generally interested in getting to know her” — is more likely to lead to sex for you than the route taken by your co-workers.
You’re trying to zig while they zag.
There’s nothing wrong with that, you just have to keep your bullshit meter in check. Because when you start believing your own bullshit you become an insufferable douchebag.
The premise of your question suggests that you typically are what we used to call an “anti-mac” back in the day. (The word “mac” was popular in like 1996 for when a guy would hit on a girl. Thank Kris Kross, RIP. An “anti-mac” was a guy who chose to tear down other guys rather than hit on girls himself.) There’s a certain subset of men that don’t try and sell themselves by hitting on girls, they just tear down other guys until they are the only guy left standing.
Another way to put this would be you’re the negative recruiter, the guy who points out why the other guys suck, as opposed to aggressively putting forward his own virtues.
What I would suggest is you do away with the games here, walk straight up to the girl, and say, “I think we’d get along and I’d like to take you out to dinner. I know I could have spent the next couple of months trying to show you this, but I like to be honest and direct instead of acting like a little boy with a little girl on the schoolyard like most people here. I’m free this weekend if you want to go and I know a great place.”
Boom, if she likes you she will melt.
Women want honest, confident men who can hopefully make them laugh (and are rich and have big dicks.) In an age when most guys just group date and send text messages, you asked her out on an actual date. This shows you have balls, which women love because so many men today don’t have balls.
So if you like this girl, just go for it.
If she says no, so be it. You’ve saved yourself time and she’s going to remember that you’re confident and brash, which will increase the chances she sleeps with you by a billion percent if you cross paths at the bar even after she says no to your dinner invite.
But based on the tenor of your question you’re probably not going to take my advice and are going to negative recruit.
So I’d start with this line, “Do you ever get tired of getting hit on by short guys?” (This works even if you’re a short guy.)
“My friend and I are seniors in college.
We have our fraternity formal coming up, and we both need dates.
My friend would have had a date if he hadn’t made a fatal error on spring break. My friend had been talking to an awesome girl. They were not technically dating, but for all intents and purposes they were. So, on spring break my friend had too much to drink at the all-inclusive bar and decides that he is going to take another girl back to his room at like 3 in the afternoon. As he is walking back with girl #2, the girl he has been dating is on a balcony with all her friends watching it happen. They proceed to try to get his attention and my friend looks up, sees them, and waves as he keeps walking back to his room. Basically, he gave this girl a big fuck you on top of hooking up with someone else in front of her.
So here is my question. I want to take this girl’s attractive friend to formal, but I don’t want to take her if she doesn’t have any friends going because I fear she might not have fun. I have been trying to get my friend to work things out with this girl, and I have been pushing him to text her and ask her to formal. Is this too much to ask or is my friend just being selfish?”
First, how little self respect would this girl have for herself to go to formal with a guy who had the audacity to WAVE TO HER WHILE HE WAS TAKING ANOTHER GIRL HOME FROM THE BAR LESS THAN A MONTH AGO? (Incidentally, I kind of love this drunk move because it’s hysterical, but there’s no way this girl can date him publicly until he shows up outside of her place with a boombox playing early Timberlake, a billion roses, and says the girl he hooked up with is a dirty whore and she took advantage of him while he was drunk.)
Again, it’s not just that this guy insulted the girl it’s that he insulted the girl AND ALL HER FRIENDS KNOW ABOUT IT.
This is why so many politician’s wives end up leaving and getting divorced when the politician’s cheating goes public. It’s not because they just found out about the cheating, it’s because now everyone else knows about the cheating too. If you watch “Billions” this is why Wendy was so mad at Chuck’s public revelation. It’s because now everyone knows her secrets too, not just his.
So your buddy isn’t being an asshole, he just doesn’t have that great of options given his spring break move.
But you’re way too focused on your buddy here.
Because here’s the deal: If the girl you’re taking to prom can’t have fun without a friend at your formal then one of two things is true: 1. you suck or 2. she sucks.
Take the girl you want to take and show her a good time regardless of what your friends are doing.
“One of my best buddies has been dating this girl for two years. They are both in their mid 20s and each have a good stable job. I live in a different city than they do, so I haven’t been that involved or close to their relationship.
As far as I knew, they were doing ok, but she’s never really given me or other friends of his a great vibe. However, he’s been excited about their future and was possibly proposing soon. He recently told me that he was traveling for work and was going to be in the same city as the girl’s dad. They are close enough to want to have lunch together, so he set that up.
When the girl found out, she went out of her way to make sure my friend wasn’t asking her dad for his blessing to marry her. Her reasoning is that she “feels anxious about it,” “not ready to be a wife,” and has “concerns about their personalities clashing.”
I’m a little older than my buddy is, and I’ve been happily married for five years so I’m aware I might be a little more suspicious of this than normal. However, I can’t help but think he’s wasting his time with this girl and he needs to just end it. I’ve slightly given my opinion, but haven’t really gone out of my way to let him know what I truly think.”
If you’re in your mid-20’s and you’re having sex with a girl who isn’t pressuring you to marry her, isn’t that ideal?
Your buddy should be ecstatic. He’s got the exact opposite problem of most guys in their twenties in multi-year relationships.
What’s your buddy’s rush? He can date girls in their mid-20’s for the next decade until he finds the right one. His desirability status isn’t going down, provided he has a decent job and makes decent money, until he’s in his forties.
Having said that, making sure your boyfriend of two years isn’t asking your dad for his approval of their marriage is a pretty big red flag to me when it comes to the girlfriend’s overall mental state.
The next girl who gets asked to get married and says no because she’s nervous about getting married will be the first.
This girl’s not nervous about getting married, she’s nervous about getting married to him.
Your buddy needs to understand this and just take it easy.
Again, what’s his rush to get married?
I’ve been advocating in this column for years that no man should get married before he’s thirty and I continue to believe it. I’d just tell your buddy to take advantage of the fact that his girlfriend isn’t looking for marriage right now.
Just have him say, “Don’t worry. I’m not ready to get married either,” to her and move on.
Having said all of this, it’s also important to note that this girl might be a huge drama queen and actually want him to be asking her dad to marry her, but also wants your buddy to make a huge show of how much he wants to get married to her because secretly she thinks he doesn’t want to get married. (That is, her reaction is the exact opposite of what it really is. It’s a test for him).
Honestly, if this is true, he needs to run the other direction because drama queen girlfriends become drama queen wives and that shit is miserable.
Send your questions to claytravis@gmail, anonymity guaranteed.