Lock It In’s Judges Are Refusing To Crown Their King

Not since the O.J. Simpson verdict have I been more troubled by the judgment of a group of American citizens.

Only this time the case isn’t about whether or not someone committed double murder, it’s about something far more consequential than that — the rightful Lock It In kingship championship for this past week.

Here’s the situation — on Friday I bet there would be a mention of the age gap between Jared Goff and Tom Brady. Then on yesterday’s broadcast the below segment aired during the Super Bowl. The segment, which you should watch below, featured photographs of Brady and Goff, illustrating that when Brady won his first Super Bowl Jared Goff was in kindergarten. Then, as if this was not clear enough, Tony Romo specifically says, “And Jared Goff was in kindergarten!”

The entire purpose of this entire segment was to emphasize the difference in ages between the coaches and the quarterbacks in this game, especially the difference between Goff and Brady, which is why they saved Goff’s picture for last.

This isn’t just a mention of the age difference between Goff and Brady, this is a produced segment in the Super Bowl specifically designed to reference the age differences between the coaches and quarterbacks. It’s a #17yearchallenge, which just so happens to be the number of years separating Brady and Goff’s age — Brady is 41 and Goff is 24.

They made a hashtag for it!

Immediately after this segment aired my mentions blew up with followers congratulating me on the win. Included among those was Jon Campbell, who makes a living analyzing bets for OddsShark.

 

I didn’t even consider this bet to be remotely in question until one of the O.J. Simpson jurors on my show emailed and said he didn’t consider this to be a mention.

I thought he was joking.

So I went to Twitter and polled to ask people whether they thought this qualified as a mention. And guess what, nearly 20,000 people voted and 81% agreed it was a mention.

By the way, the word mention is defined thusly, “refer to something briefly and without going into detail.”

This is much more than a mention, this is an entire TV segment predicated on the difference in ages between the quarterbacks and the coaches.

Thankfully, most of you have functional brains.

A vast majority of you agree with me because…it is a mention!

This morning the Lock It In jury debate has continued and an official verdict still hasn’t been issued, meaning the throne is currently vacant.

And we all know what happens when the throne is vacant — murder, pestilence, war, Rachel Bonnetta wearing the crown on her nasty unshowered head — you name it, all bad. Especially where, as here, the rightful king isn’t being seated.

So let’s just take this debate outside of football right now and let me give you a scenario.

I want y’all to imagine that I’m Matthew McConaughey in “A Time To Kill,” addressing the jurors.

Here we go.

“Everybody close their eyes.

Pretend the best man is about to give a speech at a wedding. And let’s pretend the best man decides to do his own 17 year challenge as part of that speech.

And first he shows the bride’s parents now and 17 years ago and now.

Everyone laughs.

Then he shows the groom’s parents, 17 years ago and now.

Up next, he shows the groom, 17 years ago and now.

Now there’s a wrinkle before he shows the bride’s picture.

See, it turns out the groom got married 17 years ago and the bride, well, the bride, this was her first wedding.

So the best man showed the bride now and everyone clapped and then, well, then, he showed a picture of the bride 17 years ago.

And, well, she was in kindergarten.

As if that wasn’t enough, he also yelled out, “And (insert bride’s name was in kindergarten!”

And everyone went dead silent, the bride looked like she wanted to kill the best man.

After the wedding the best man went up to the bride and said, “I don’t know what you’re so mad about, I didn’t even mention the age difference between you and the groom!”

Is there a person alive who wouldn’t consider this to be mentioning the age difference between two people?

Heck no.

This case, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is closed.”

Boom, there you have it, case closed, give me the crown right damn now.

Unless, that is, you want the greatest judicial travesty since the O.J. Simpson trial to happen, the crown has to be on my head this afternoon.

Otherwise there’s no justice in this world.

Comments

Get the Daily Outkick

* indicates required