Tennesseee Will Beat Florida

Tennessee will beat Florida tomorrow. Take that to the bank. In fact, the Florida Gators are presently 9.5 point favorites. That’s why it’s time to dust off the bet your mortgage guarantee. Last season the bet your mortgage pick had some issues. Indeed, many cities in the South had tent cities as families were forced out of their homes. But this year is different. This year we’re eschewing the tents and building mansions. All of us. Follow me. This is the first guarantee.

I’m guaranteeing the win because of this simple reason, the Vols are back. We’re going to tattoo the Gators.

Even if the rest of the country doesn’t know it yet.

Tyler Bray is the truth.

A decade after the 2001 Tennessee Volunteers went in to the Swamp and pulled out an upset win, it’s time for a repeat performance. What was it like on that day? Here’s Phil Fulmer’s pre-game speech. If this doesn’t get you ready to run through a wall, I don’t know what will.

1. Tyler Bray is the truth.

This game, I believe, is Tyler Bray’s 1995 Alabama game. Vol fans will remember that game as the one when Peyton Manning and the Vols went on the road at Alabama. Manning was a sophomore without any real scalps to his name yet.

The Vols hadn’t beaten Alabama since 1985. Then this happened on the first play from scrimmage in Alabama.

Tomorrow is Tyler Bray’s national coming out party. (Not that kind of coming out party, Gators, this ain’t Miami).

Y’all have been warned.  

2. Before we get too far in this preview I’d like to gradulate the Gators since Irvin Myers is no longer there.

Two things: first, I could watch this video a million consecutive times and it would make me laugh every time.

Second, this is a smart Florida fan.

3. Florida’s freshman corners are short and will be exploited by the Vols Da’Rick Rogers and Justin Hunter.

This is the most talented Vol offense since 2001. Bray, Rogers, and Hunter will all be first round picks in 2013. What’s more, the UT offensive line has barely allowed Tyler Bray to be touched so far this season. So what will the Gators do when their front four can’t get pressure? Leave their freshmen corners in single coverage against that trio and blitz?

If Urban Meyer was still the coach at Florida and he saw these two Vol wide receivers on tape, he’d find a way to readmit Janoris Jenkins. Except, you know, Urban Meyer would have never dismissed Janoris Jenkins either.

Good luck to ya. (Spoken in the same tone as Willie utters in the opening montage of Swamp People).

4. Derek’s Dooley’s orange pants are magic.

I’m not going to say that Dooley’s orange pants could cure cancer and solve the national debt crisis all while rescuing Greece at the same time, but…actually, yeah, I’m going to say it.

The pants could do all that.

5. The Gators have just two sacks on the season. 

That poor performance out of the defensive line makes me wonder why the Gators don’t plug in some of those bingo wing’d Florida coeds to help clog up the rushing lanes. Some of those girls have bigger arms than the Gator defensive line. You think you’ve got a rough life? Imagine being a Gator fan and having to caress your wife’s fat, sunburned, arm-fattened triceps for the next fifty years.

Gross.

(By the way, welcome back Sharif Floyd, you got screwed by the NCAA and I loved Will Muschamp double barreling the stupidity of the rules. Okay, back to Gator ridicule). 

You cannot get to Tyler Bray without blitzing. And when you blitz we’re going to make you cry harder than a Florida Gator player’s girlfriend receiving death threats via text.

6. This is the game where Vol defensive coordinator Justin Wilcox reclaims his Boise State hype.

Remember when Wilcox was a genius coordinator on the make? Yeah, well, then he came to Tennessee and found out that players matter more than scheme. He still doesn’t have many defensive players, but he does have one of the best offenses in the league. So what does he do? He uses that offense to help establish his defensive identity. 

The Vols are going to come at the Gators from every direction.

Big plays?

The vols will risk those because they’ll create some turnovers in the process. 

Ultimately Wilcox knows the Gator offense can’t score with the Vol offense. Prepare for pain.   

7.  A Gator linebacker resisted arrest on a scooter this week.

The next day Will Muschamp named him team captain. 

Extolled Muschamp at the captaincy ceremony: “Our players have to get back to the days when we fought cops, used dead people’s credit cards, threatened to kill women, and otherwise demonstrated that we’re the top 1% of 1% criminals in this country. That’s Gator football!”  

8. Charlie Weis might melt in the heat.

The first two home games haven’t been very stressful. But has anyone considered the amount of fluid Charlie Weis is going to lose on the sideline come Saturday?

There will so many questions that spiral out of Weis in the heat:

Will he make it through the game?

Will someone stand beside him, capture his sweat, and sell it as pure grain turkey gravy?

Who is paying for Weis’s dry cleaning? Or do they just burn his clothes after every game? This has to be an entire section of his Gator employment contract: “Employer agrees to pay Employee $400,000 in dry cleaning per year to remove the sweat stains — and Kentucky fried chicken stains — from his team issued gear.”

9. Credit where credit is due, Gator fans have turned the jean short insult to their favor.

They now put hot chicks in tank tops referencing the jorts.

Of course, they had to import this girl from Georgia because they couldn’t find a model attractive enough to wear this tank in Gainesville.

10. Tyler Bray’s back tat will not be denied.

Look at the way that A tilts back, as if it’s standing on one leg looking at the Y thinking, “Damn letter Y, you look good on this back.”

That’s exactly how every Gator fan is going to be standing and looking after Tyler Bray’s fifth touchdown pass. 

This is the Sistine Chapel of back tats, and Tyler Bray is the Michelangelo of quarterbacks.

Look out Gators, it’s about to be 2001 in your visiting locker room all over again.

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